The lucky among us can remember a time in childhood, when we were free.

Think back—can you remember a time when judgment from others didn’t cloud your mind? When you woke up knowing exactly what you wanted to wear, and nothing could stop you? When you pursued what you loved, undeterred by the world around you? Somewhere along the way, that freedom fades. For some, it disappears so early they barely remember ever having it. This happens to boys and girls alike, but boys are often allowed to stay free longer. Some are even lucky enough to stay free forever. However for young girls, the self-consciousness and gender expectations start way too early.

Gender expectations shape us from the very beginning. Confidence and risk taking is often fostered in boys while girls often recieve messages that their bodies are delicate and they need to be more careful. Young boys are also not as conditioned to be mindful of others’ perceptions. Meanwhile, girls are frequently taught to be nice, accommodating, and selfless. When they inevitably fall short of these impossible expectations, they are met with criticism or shame.

On Shame

When I look at history and those I love, shame has been the shackles of women. Shame has kept us confined and in line. Still prevelant in the Indo-Caribbean culture  I belong to, is the insult of being shameless. It’s shameless to talk openly about our bodies as women, shameless to love who you love, or break norms. In my own journey I’ve discovered shameless is the goal. Shame keeps us stuck and being shameless is not the same as being inconsiderate. Shamelessness is peace, contentment and freedom.

The Stories We Absorb

As a therapist, I’ve seen how inherited narratives shape mental health. The messages we receive about who we should be and how we should act become deeply ingrained.

In and out of the therapy room I see women who often struggle to say no because they were raised to be agreeable. They feel guilty for prioritizing themselves because they were taught their value lies in serving others. They hesitate to take up space, fearing they’ll be seen as too much.

This leads to self-silencing. Many women internalize expectations so fully that they begin policing themselves—second-guessing their words, their actions, even their ambitions. This emotional labor is exhausting, contributing to burnout, anxiety, and depression.

The Cost of Shrinking Ourselves

Silencing ourselves comes at a cost. Years of minimizing our needs take a toll, manifesting in tension, exhaustion, and chronic stress. Women don’t just manage their own emotions, they are often expected to hold space for everyone else’s, too. In workplaces, in friendships, in families, they carry the emotional labor—soothing conflicts, absorbing stress, remembering the birthdays, picking up the slack, holding the expectation of being the calm one, and facing judgment if they are not. This invisible labor is rarely acknowledged, yet it has profound consequences on mental and physical health. When women silence themselves for long enough, it doesn’t just affect confidence, it embeds itself in their very being, shaping their nervous system’s responses, leading to constant hypervigilance.

For too long, we’ve been told we need to prove our worth, to mold ourselves to fit expectations, to work harder just to be seen. However, the truth is—we were never the problem.

Reclaiming Our Space

Healing from gender socialization is not about becoming more; it’s about letting go of the stories that told us we weren’t enough, returning to who we are instead of who we were told to be. It’s about taking up space without apology, choosing ourselves not because we have something to prove, but because we deserve to exist fully, as we are.

The antidote is self-compassion, self-love and self-acceptance. However, it’s important to remember, self acceptance can coexist with ambition but ambition cannot thrive with shame.

In summary:

You were born worthy of love and acceptance.

You don’t need to earn it.

You don’t need to transform to deserve it.

You are enough—exactly as you are, in this moment. Regardless of what you’re striving for and the growth yet to come, you are enough as you are.

Where will you begin? What expectation will you refuse? How will you take up space—without apology?